Trying

You ever want something so bad that it hurts? And you ache so painfully over the fact that it's just beyond your reach? That's how it feels. That's how this feels. Knowing what I see in my head, and what I feel in my heart, knowing that I need to set it free. To bring that vision to fruition. To finally create the way you know you were born to. But you can't right now. Because all you have is you and nothing else.

It's been a rough week. It's just been bad all over. But at least I'm back to understanding where I stand creatively. The old adage still applies. No one can help you but you. Not saying I have no help at all. I've got plenty of support from many different people. This has definitely been proven with the recent Our Stage contest. But as far as moviemaking is concerned right now and where I'm at, until I have the full budget to do what I know I can do, I have to settle for going it alone and doing what I can with very little. Sort of fitting for one spartan.

Also it really doesn't help that both Juli and I have been thinking about her mom and about the events of last year around this time and in the coming months. We've gotta keep our minds off of it somehow. Try to think about the positive things. Try to remember the good memories. It's so easy to plunge into that darkness again.

I was going to write about it, but I can't. I have to stay up towards the light. For mine and Juli's sake. I need to make something truely great happen. I need to create something incredible, fun, inspiring, and joyous. A movie, a memory. Something amazing.

Please God help me make something great happen.


A very special thanks to the Our Stage team. I received my prize package from them the other day for making #1 in the Trailers category for July. I got a $100.00 American Express Gift Card, and an Our Stage T-Shirt, and a DVD copy of Four Eyed Monsters, which I've been wanting. So thank you so much to Our Stage. Got some other nifty little perks with it as well.

Hopefully this month we can make #1 again. Looks like our best shot is in the comedy category.



They've done away with Text Voting, as I think I may have mentioned before. This time around it's all about judging the best videos online. Hopefully that's us. But I must say, there are some very good entries on there.

Juli and I had a nice little dinner to celebrate the prizes I had won. She was so proud of me that it made her tear up. I told her it wasn't like I had won the grand prize, but she was proud of me anyways. Proud that I was able to make something and that it's been able to achieve something. It was a good night. And I'm just so happy that she could tear up over something good happening instead of something horrible.

So now it's like my movie making has two goals. One because I have these amazing stories inside my head and heart just dying to get out, and two because if I can make something amazing and something that can do well, it will help Juli see the light beyond the darkness. I like making her proud and I'm so very anxious to show her and the world what else I'm capable of. And I'm so very ready to do that.

Started work on the many other Video Projects and just found out about a few other opportunities I'd like to take a shot at. So much work to be done. At the same time still putting together all the details of the feature I'm going to do. Looks like I'll be working on that in the spring, alone and with no money, unless a miracle occurs. So pretty much the norm, lol.

Gotta get to work on more Expotv vids. Here's another one just recently added to my Expotv account. NIGHT OF THE COMET on DVD.



As you can see this freeze frame isn't as bad as the previous ones. Sadly I was hoping for a trend here. I could've sold myself as the awkward looking Filipino Indie Vidmaker.

Well let's hope we can do well in the Quarter Finals. Right now it's just about staying in the Top Ten til Wednesday. Then it's about going for #1. Damn. I'm getting too caught up in this competition. I've gotta focus on other things. Don't put all your creative eggs in one basket.

Ok, back to figuring out how to make something amazing with no money, cast, or crew, as per usual.

Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill - Important legislation for all women.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act which will require insurance companies to cover a mini mum 48-hour hospital stay for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about eliminating the 'drive-through mastectomy' where women are forced to go home just a few hours after surgery, against the wishes of their doctor, still groggy from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes still
attached. Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web page with a petition drive to show your support. Last year over half the House signed on.

PLEASE!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web site below. You need not give more than your name and zip code number. Opens in a new window.

http://www.lifetimetv.com/health/breast_mastectomy_pledge.html

This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON to your friends and family, and on behalf of all women, THANKS.

Thanks to Sara for bringing this to my attention.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT WHAT LIFTIME IS DOING TO STOP BREAST CANCER

Batter up

My first inclination is to write the following words to start off this post: "This has been the hardest couple of days."

But that would be incorrect. It has been indeed, but really the collective difficulty is that of more than just a couple of days. I posted once on this roller coaster of emotion and drama. The pain of being a no-budget indie moviemaker combined with the pain that accompanies dealing with death and the responsibility of consoling the ones you love. This is fucking hard.

The ups and downs are in such separation that it fools you into thinking everything is ok. Then the emotions hit you. The memories hit you. You fight to get to a point where you are positive about everything, and as a husband I hope to God that the laughter me and my wife share is an indication that things are better. Then it hits. You go from trying to celebrate a life, to going back to wondering what it is you could have done differently. How could I have saved Brenda? How can I be better suppporting my wife?

And then the movie making pursuit, which is something that was set into motion before all this, hits you with it's realities and responsibilities. The DVD release is supposed to be tomorrow. The marketing must continue. And new pressures have arisen. And once again because of the Birthday Wish Syndrome I will not reveal right away what those pressures are. But it's something that needs to be done. Needs to be tried for.

All this happened yesterday. Yesterday was one of the hardest days in this journey through grieving and trying to be an artist/entrepeneur. My heart breaks in two when Juli gets hit hard with the grief. Yesterday was no exception. It's a horrible thing to hear your wife in pain. It's a horrible feeling not knowing if what you are doing is enough for your wife. I hate hearing her in such pain. But it's only been 6 months since her mother died, and there is no manual on how to grieve. There is no manual on when to expect the grief to hit and leave and hit again. I know there is much strength being gained by both of us. But like a muscle being pushed to it's limits, our resolve is being tested in much the same way. When the relief comes it comes with laughter and positivity because we are at heart people who return to love and positivity. But somedays that's just a set up for the fall.

We hit the ground pretty hard yesterday. But of course we bounce back. We fought our way back to the positive. Much hugging ensued, much leaning on one another, as a couple should and as we so often do. Juli is better for now. But it's left me drained. And as I find myself in the recovery period of this emotional workout, that's when the weight of a new challenge arises. It's something exciting. It's something I feel I need to embark on, but at the same time it puts me right back into the heart of being a no-budget, DIY moviemaker. It may very well be something I need, but right now there is alot to figure out and in a short period of time.

This is a chance for me to really get to say what it is I was trying to say with The Midnight Special. But how do I do that with even less than what I had in Texas?

I need to hit this one out of the park. DIY again. Solo. One guy tryin to play all positions in a ball game. I don't know what made me think before that this was over. Like somehow, the DVD was gong to come out and I would proceed with the business plan and the next project would be with a budget and a professional crew instead of just me running around doing everything.

But it looks like I'm going to have to do this a couple more times. But this time around I have to do it better that I ever had. It's going to take a little money (from lord knows where) but it's mainly going to take a whole lot of creativity and sweat. This is all about pressure and time, and the latter I don't have too much of.

Gotta sell some DVD's. Gotta find out what my assets are here. I need sleep.

Time to find out what exactly one spartan can do.

Just Keep Swimming

I didn't even really realize it, but I had been knocked on my ass. I knew we all suffered an emotional blow. After my mother in law passed away, I knew it knocked the wind out of everyone. I knew it would affect me, but I didn't realize how much it would affect me. I was trying to put my own feelings aside so I could be a rock for my wife and her family. And in doing that it only prolonged the pain. I felt close to her too after all. I was right there watching her slowly fade away day after day, right up until the cancer finally decided to take her completely. My heart broke watching my wife's agony in losing her mother. The helplessness of not being able to do anything, and then the punishing regret of feeling like you didn't do enough. Then the focus becomes in worrying about my wife. Knowing the best thing I could ever do for her was just be there. Trying to hide my own feelings to keep my strength in holding her up. It took some time for me to let out how I was feeling, to deal with it, and to really take a good look at it. I've never watched someone close to me die before.

That was a little over two months ago. And now it's a New Year.

Through the holidays there's been some rough road, but nothing that couldn't be handled. Some scares, some emotional turmoil, some doubts about the past, and worries about the future. But that's what comes with being married, dealing with a recent death, and trying to get back to aiming high at those goals. 5 Days in to the New Year and I've gotten so much done. Of course the over achiever in me isn't quite satisfied with that, but I've still got time before the first week of the year is done with. Just wanna be able to get a head start on what needs to be done, and a good start on everything else.

And now that I have clearer eyes, and a stronger focus I see that there is so much that needs to be done. So much I need to catch up on. And little tiny bit more I need to rethink.

What sucks about me having a blog is that often I subscribe to the idea that if I speak of something it won't happen. It's the birthday wish syndrome. Ya know, you blow out all the candles and make a wish, but if you tell anyone the wish it won't come true. And because of this I have to find a creative way to describe what's going on without really giving it away. So pardon me if I ever get cryptic and confusing, but these are things I need to make note of, even if it makes no sense to you.

Cryptic Note #1:
The Ultimate Origami. Perhaps it's because I'm just dying to take my fascination with paper art and engineering too far. In the coming months you will see me create something insanely huge and complex out of paper. Perhaps a giant pop-up book. Maybe even a giant paper crane the size of a car. Whatever it is, it's actually necessary for an upcoming production. And it may not all be paper, but the base of it, the heart, the structure will most definitely lie in paper engineering.

Cryptic Note #2:
The machine. Some of you know what the machine is. Some of you may even have been interviewed about the machine. Originally the machine was going to debut on Halloween, but now it seems it's going to be modified to be more of a year round machine, and will make it's debut online hopefully before March. Once again for another production for a very necessary and very curious experiment.

Cryptic Note #3:
Merchants in the Nineteenth Century would build grand sailing ships, hire a crew, secure provisions, and send these ships out to the East Indies and other foreign ports to trade for goods, jewels, gold, etc. There was no communication to these ships once they set out to sail, and often these ships would take months, even years to return with the Merchants' profit. So the return of one of these ships after a long journey was always call for excitement. This is where the expression "Your ship has come in" comes from. Someone would run to the Merchants yelling this as the ship actually did come in. The key to steady business and profit was to send out more than one ship. The more ships you send out, the more chance for profit you have as they return.

I've got more than one ship out. ;)


Ok, ok, enough of that. No more Cryptic Notes.


Sent some packages out today. More DVD screeners out to two fests and two reviewers. But as always, you send em out and then forget about them. Maybe check up on em in a few weeks, but for the most part, let the screener do the work for ya.

The possibility of a North Carolina screening is pending, but I'm not really worried about that right now.

Some people will soon be getting a the official bootleg copy of THE MIDINIGHT SPECIAL, which includes a whole other disc of extras, including the gag reel.

Found the basic location for the ZOMBIE Episode of Monster Cops. Of course what I was aiming for was 5 minutes, but it may be more like 10. Just depends. I've been going back and forth on working on the Untitled Detective Short and the Monster Cops Episode, and now it looks like Monster Cops may be it for the next few months.

Ok, time for some sleep, so I can attempt to be up the same time the sun is. Ignore the following. It's only a test.