Thursday, April 26, 2007

Batter up

My first inclination is to write the following words to start off this post: "This has been the hardest couple of days."

But that would be incorrect. It has been indeed, but really the collective difficulty is that of more than just a couple of days. I posted once on this roller coaster of emotion and drama. The pain of being a no-budget indie moviemaker combined with the pain that accompanies dealing with death and the responsibility of consoling the ones you love. This is fucking hard.

The ups and downs are in such separation that it fools you into thinking everything is ok. Then the emotions hit you. The memories hit you. You fight to get to a point where you are positive about everything, and as a husband I hope to God that the laughter me and my wife share is an indication that things are better. Then it hits. You go from trying to celebrate a life, to going back to wondering what it is you could have done differently. How could I have saved Brenda? How can I be better suppporting my wife?

And then the movie making pursuit, which is something that was set into motion before all this, hits you with it's realities and responsibilities. The DVD release is supposed to be tomorrow. The marketing must continue. And new pressures have arisen. And once again because of the Birthday Wish Syndrome I will not reveal right away what those pressures are. But it's something that needs to be done. Needs to be tried for.

All this happened yesterday. Yesterday was one of the hardest days in this journey through grieving and trying to be an artist/entrepeneur. My heart breaks in two when Juli gets hit hard with the grief. Yesterday was no exception. It's a horrible thing to hear your wife in pain. It's a horrible feeling not knowing if what you are doing is enough for your wife. I hate hearing her in such pain. But it's only been 6 months since her mother died, and there is no manual on how to grieve. There is no manual on when to expect the grief to hit and leave and hit again. I know there is much strength being gained by both of us. But like a muscle being pushed to it's limits, our resolve is being tested in much the same way. When the relief comes it comes with laughter and positivity because we are at heart people who return to love and positivity. But somedays that's just a set up for the fall.

We hit the ground pretty hard yesterday. But of course we bounce back. We fought our way back to the positive. Much hugging ensued, much leaning on one another, as a couple should and as we so often do. Juli is better for now. But it's left me drained. And as I find myself in the recovery period of this emotional workout, that's when the weight of a new challenge arises. It's something exciting. It's something I feel I need to embark on, but at the same time it puts me right back into the heart of being a no-budget, DIY moviemaker. It may very well be something I need, but right now there is alot to figure out and in a short period of time.

This is a chance for me to really get to say what it is I was trying to say with The Midnight Special. But how do I do that with even less than what I had in Texas?

I need to hit this one out of the park. DIY again. Solo. One guy tryin to play all positions in a ball game. I don't know what made me think before that this was over. Like somehow, the DVD was gong to come out and I would proceed with the business plan and the next project would be with a budget and a professional crew instead of just me running around doing everything.

But it looks like I'm going to have to do this a couple more times. But this time around I have to do it better that I ever had. It's going to take a little money (from lord knows where) but it's mainly going to take a whole lot of creativity and sweat. This is all about pressure and time, and the latter I don't have too much of.

Gotta sell some DVD's. Gotta find out what my assets are here. I need sleep.

Time to find out what exactly one spartan can do.

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