Between Wake and Sleep

DREAMSCAPE (1984)

I had a nightmare last night. And as vivid and real as it felt, I couldn't tell you anything about it other than within the dream things were really upsetting and horrible.  So bad that it made me cry uncontrollably in the dream, which lead to me screaming "WHY?!" to God.

There was a point during my screaming where part of me realized I was dreaming. And since things were so terrible I decided to wake myself up by trying to get my "real" self to scream as well.

I could feel both sides. The nightmare side where I was screaming, and the reality side, where my physical face was trying to form words, trying to scream, trying to wake up.

When I finally did wake up, I did wake up moaning and my wife poking my back to get me to wake up.

The dread and fear from the dream was lingering still as I laid there finally awake. And all I've been thinking about since then is that space between the nightmare and reality.

I could feel it. I could feel myself in the dream trying to communicate to my physical self (this shit's gettin deep now.) And I remember thinking "I have to push through the ether."  Like I was aware that there was some kind of barrier between dreams and reality that I knew I could dig through. I knew that if I pushed hard enough in the dream, I could not only wake myself up, but do it by getting my waking self to mimic what my sleeping self was doing.

I immediately started to realize the parallels between this, and making movies.  The barrier between sleep and awake is not too dissimilar to the barrier between thought and creation, between what's on the page and the final cut of the movie, between an idea and a tangible product.

Where am I going with this? I have no fucking idea. Just another deep observation where I try to connect life lessons to filmmaking, again with subconscious subtext and references to universal perception and some shit like that.

Trying to communicate from your subconscious to your conscious is much like trying to take what's in your head and put it on film, or video rather.

Yes I'm running into obstacles with REDD. Can I get it out before December is over. Don't know. All I know is I'm missing a few more shots. Just a bit more work on it and I'll have a completed project. I'm so anxious to finish this, it does feel like my dream self is screaming at me from the other side of the reality wall.

And it;s not just about REDD. It's the overall goal, to make a living off making movies and videos. I've made money from it in the past, and I'm trying to find my way back to it again, but I have yet to make a sustainable living from it. This past year (past 4 years really) I've had a taste of it. Gotten checks for my video editing skills, been paid from video views, which has really convinced me that I should be able to really make this happen as something more long term.

And I will, but of course, since I am human dealing with other humans, we do let our anxieties and emotions clutter the path, make us feel rushed, force us to judge ourselves, which forces us away from our much needed logic and reason.

It's emotions that make up the ether in this reality. It's our fears and pathos that are a good percentage of our barriers that keep us from that final product. But it's also what fuels our creation. It's necessary, and instead of trying to force our way through it, we're better off understanding it, respecting it, and using it to our advantage.

Yes, that is correct, I have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.

Movies to watch after posting this:

DREAMSCAPE
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS
THE MATRIX

EDIT: 1/8/10

Add INCEPTION to that list.

Hail

Dream Dictionary Hail:


Hail:

A series of misfortunes lie ahead that could place your present goals in jeopardy. Look to the other symbols in the dream to judge which goals they are, or how to avert the misfortunes and save your projects.

Source: Astrocenter, http://astrocenter.astrology.msn.com/msn/DreamDictionary.aspx



Dream Interpretation
Hail, hailstorm
Hailstorms in the dreams are always a sign of dissatisfaction or a warning about family disputes or material losses. If you got caught in a hailstorm, disputes with your relatives, family members or people around you are inevitable. Observing a hailstorm from a distance signifies material losses in the near future or separation.

Source: Dream-Land, http://www.dream-land.info




Christian Dream Interpretation Dictionary - Hail
Hail: Soldiers of Christ; wonders; power; judgment that can only come from God; wrath; glory; chastening; to have a barrage of something hit one as an onslaught of something that can be distressing. (Is. 28:17; Hag. 2:17; Rev. 8:7; Ps. 18:12; 147:17; Job 38:22)


Currently listening to VAN HALEN - "When It's love."

Work For Yourself

Sometimes it feels like we all underestimate our own freedom. We get so use to the routine in our day to day lives that we condition ourselves to feel like this is all there is. That nothing could get as good as we've got it now. And that we have to settle for business as usual. I also believe that often, not always, but often, fate deals us a hand in life to get us all shook up so that we may reconsider where we our in context to what are dreams are or were, as compared to what we've settled for.

Think of the man who surrendered his dreams of being a painter for 30 years as a corporate exec, only to survive a near fatal plane crash. Because of his brush with death he rethinks his life and reignites the passion he once had for art. Other examples aren't so extreme but are just as powerful. The day in day out 9 to 5 job that you've settled for, the one that was supposed to be a stepping stone, a temporary exile to help you pay some bills while you pursue that dream of yours whatever it may be. The one that has now consumed you to the point that you're working beyond full time, and that dream has faded away. Then one day you get fired or layed off, and you realize that you need that job. Although it's made you so bitter and programed to the routine that all you do is dream of quitting, but yet you fear the idea of losing that job because you think you need it to pay the bills you don't want to pay but you think you have to because it's how you "survive" or "get by." But maybe losing the job was fate telling you to lose your inhibitions, that it's time for something new, or time for something you'd forgotten about.

And there is the extreme reaction. You get all gung ho. Decide you're tired of working for "the man" and you quit your job in the spirit of revolution, rebellion, and going for your dreams. But you end up sitting on your broke ass, not looking for a job, and failing at your dreams, because "shit" cost money. You know "shit". Instruments, amps, brushes, canvases, cameras, art school, cooking lessons, or whatever minutia you require to pursue whatever it was you needed to become that great cook, artist, rockstar, rapper, writer, filmmaker, etc. So you go back into the grind to try to get your "shit" together. Pay those over due bills, the back rent, or whatever money hungry slips of paper you were ignoring while you were "rebelling." And you get hammered down. You're back in the routine, and before you know it, cuz often times people never know it, you're settling for the day in day out again, and those dreams fall by the wayside. Heck, at this point a plane crash would do you great.

It's really become the norm. Everything above is typical of what goes on in the world. Granted there is a good percentage of people actually achieveing their goals and doing what they love, but there is a great percentage of people constantly in and out of the routine, always missing their opportunities. There are a percentage of people who do get the "plane crash" wake up call, get gung ho about going for the gold, then completely forgetting about the mission weeks later. I'm not writing this for them. Those people would never read this, and if they do they'll forget about it as soon as they breathe.

I think that in most cases a rebellion is in order. If you're stuck in your routine and you know it, and you want to get out of it to pursue your dreams, then the rebellious thing isn't to quit and say fuck you to the job. I think the thing is to keep working. Start saving, figure out what you need money for, cuz let's face it, everyone needs money for something especially your "shit". Work for it. Get caught up on the bills, get a nice savings for yourself going, and then start saving for your dreams. And once you've got enough to do your dreams, then take some days off and go for it until your dreams become what you do for a living. Sure it'll take months, maybe even a few years, but the alternative is for you to sit around and bitch about what you shoulda coulda woulda done for five years, or actually work for it and have something to show for it in the same amount of time or sooner.

The rebellion isn't in the defiance of the job or the routine, the rebellion lies in what everyone else isn't doing. I see alot of people that say they're going to chase after that goal and just quit their job to do it. Rebel against rebelling. The truely unorthodox method is discipline. The discipline to keep working while keeping your eyes on your prize. To have the discipline to set aside the money to do what you've always wanted to do. To "work for it". I know you work at that job that you hate, or it just gets on your nerves, but when it's all you've got and you're trying to get to somewhere or some dream, then it's a precious thing.

You have to have the discipline to work the job and keep it separate from your real life and your true dreams. It's not only giving you money, but it's part of the climb that makes reaching the top of your dreams all the more sweeter. If it's that bad then quit and find another one, but do what you can to make the routine your own. Your days off are your days off, your job is not your life. Stop thinking of it as working for someone else. If you've got a goal to work for then anything you do is actually you working for yourself.

You have the freedom to stop making yourself feel like all you do is "survive" or "get by." No matter what, do what you have to do to get your "shit" together. Don't wait for fate. Don't wait for the plane crash.