The End Of The World

I had a dream that the world was ending.

The dream was very real. I really believed it was happening. I actually remember wishing that it were all just a dream. Then I woke up. And although my heart was pounding hard, I felt so relieved. It really was just a dream.

I remember those other times, when it felt like a nightmare. When my mother told me she was diagnosed with Cancer. When Juli's mom got Cancer, the day we realized she was going to die, and the night she passed away. These things in life happen, where you wish it was all a horrible nightmare, and you'd just wake up from it. And the helpless terror you feel when you don't wake up.

So when I learned the world was going to end, I ran through all the emotions, the denial, the helplessness, the fear, the reluctant acceptance, and the immediate regret for all the things you'll never get to do. I'll never have children. I'll never grow old with my wife. I'll never see my family again. I'll never make movies. I'll never get the chance to sit with an audience in a theater as they and I experience one of my movies together. I'll never see any of my dreams come true.

Imagine my relief when I woke up. I was in my bed, next to my wife. Right where I was wishing I was. I felt like I was given a second chance.

I felt more driven than usual. Like nothing could stop me. Then I turned on my computer.

My computer is down. Crashed due to a virus. I may very well lose a ton of video files, including the entire project file for this new Monster Cops episode.

The good news: I have all of the videos on tape, so I'll just have to re-capture everything. Pain in the ass, but still good. I have alot of files backed up to an external hard drive. Some stuff I have backed up online.

The bad news: I'm going to lose alot of unique audio and video files that I could not back up, because I could never afford big enough back up hard drive. Projects that I don't have backed up, videos that I could never re-edit, photos, and many, many scripts, all of it gone.

Yes it is my fault for not backing up my files. I never had a big enough hard drive to do so. It was always on those list of things to get when ever I had the money.

Money, always comes back to that doesn't it? The funding to get this done. As I work to get that funding, things start to fall apart. Situations occur that could be easily remedied with the funding.

Ironically the episode that I needed to finish was almost finished. It needed to be sent off to a few folks who might put up some money, and it needed to get done before next week. But now I may have to start from scratch, forcing me to re-upload, re-edit, re-construct everything from the start before the middle of next week, IF I can get my computer back up again. It's always about irony isn't it?

So I try to remain proactive. I've got someone coming in Friday to look at the computer. And meanwhile I have to prep for the pick up shoot tonight.

And this is how it is for a no-budget moviemaker.

I continue to do what I can with no money, no hard drive, no funding, while trying to get that funding and continue to produce what I can. The goal is to have a product, a DVD, ready for the fall. Spend the next few months raising money and making movies.

So far this year has been filled with disappointments. Investors fall through, computers crash, and no budget production work gets harder and harder to do.

But hey, at least it's not the end of the world.