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Saturday, June 4, 2011

Further

It was bad last night. The thought that my brother was gone really hit me. Although he'd been gone for over a week now, the reality of it didn't truly hit me until last night.

I lost it.

I'm ok. I really am. It's just been a roller coaster of emotions. That combined with all the normal irritations that have been bothering me, and my tendency to look at all that depresses me when I'm already depressed. I'm not in a great place right now.

Alot of other things have been happening. And although it's taking it's toll on me, I think it's necessary. It's all forcing me to really look at what needs to be done, who I associate with, and how I go about things personally and professionally.

I was already in a very driven and determined state. I was already motivated to work towards my dreams and goals. I thought I couldn't push myself any further.

I was wrong. I don't think I've ever been here before. This feels different somehow. As vulnerable as I feel, as weak as I am right now, on some level I also kinda feel invincible.

Like nothing can stop me. Like if I can go through this kind of pain, and burn in this kind of fire, then what else could hurt me. I have nothing left to lose.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I don't know. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

I do know that I am so very happy that I have my wife. I love her so much. I couldn't possibly go through any of this without her.

I have to work on this video slideshow featuring pictures of my brother Robert. But I can't bring myself to finish it yet. I can't look at all those pics just yet. Especially those old pics of me and Robert as kids. It's too hard right now.

I'm pushing forward though. Creatively and professionally. Still gotta work.

And so I push forward. With a heavy heart. I push forward.

I'm tired. Otherwise I'd continue to type about The Dallas Mavericks and why I'm really pushing for them to win the NBA Finals.

Another post perhaps.

Thank you, all of you, who've shown your support, given your condolences, and blessed me and my family with love, caring, and positive energy. I and we truly appreciate it.

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