No this isn't me having a pity party, nor is this me trying to buck myself up. This is me being real. The year is almost up and I'm only semi satisfied with the work I've done this year. I'm only semi satisfied with that Shadow Company episode of Monster Cops.
Nothing in particular, just everything in my creative control. I know some folks seem to like it, but this is me being my harshest critic. I scold myself because I know what I am capable of and I have yet to even come close to putting my full potential on the screen for you to see.
So I travel towards finishing what I can before the years end, to see if I can even come close to what I seek. I know it's a part of that eternal struggle in life, to continually seek to improve upon ones work. To always aim to the next level. For me I don't even feel as if I've even hit any sort of level. That Monster Cops episode is child's play compared to what I have in me.
No offense to everyone who participated in it's creation. I feel that everyone did an amazing job, and we put together a good episode. But for everything on my part, I know I can do better. As a writer, editor, producer, and director, I feel I've just barely been scratching the surface. I wish I could show you what is in my brain. One day I will.
And it's not about the money either. I don't like hearing comments like, "well if you had more money then maybe this would be better." This is not about pushing yourself financially. Perhaps a few bucks will make things a bit easier. It doesn't change the fact that this is about pushing the creative envelope not the financial one. Hollywood throws money at problems all the time, and often times to no avail. Indies can bitch about not having any money all day long. As long as you have a camera and a means to edit, then you have absolutely no excuses. There is always a way to tell the essence of your story, I don't care how much money you don't have.
Your obstacles and limitations should be your strengths not your weaknesses. I know this and still I waste my time trying to "raise money." I need to raise my creativity. I need to refine my editing skills and improve upon my direction, not worry about weather or not I've got enough tactical vests to go around, or how much the price of blank ammo costs. All this is nothing without that creative spark. It's not about what you don't have, it's about using what you've got.
And even with nothing I should still be able to blow your mind. Nothing should be able to hold back the ability to tell a story. Absolutely nothing. Even at the bare minimum I should still be able to give you a great show. This is what I need to strive for. Excellence at no cost, but with great expense of personal ability. To create with full force of mind and soul.
Maybe I'll never be satisfied. But I have to try.
Time to step it up. Time to work harder and more efficiently. I need to make production days count, with tons of preplanning ahead of time. Time to do more, time to do better.
I'm better than what I have accomplished this far.